Dear Alf #22

You ask for it, Alf sort of sends this thing that vaguely resembles a reply and almost never directly relates to an answer … But that’s why we love him. Take a gamble and send your questions to the old Alfster… you might get a reply! Just remember that the odds are always with the house, or in this case, the rehab!

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions.

Q:   Dear Beloved Alf, I admire your generosity in answering your fans’ mail no matter how stupid the question. I have a question myself. Are sligs distantly related to paramites? They’ve both got the “finger things” around the mouth and are almost the same size. I know mentioning sligs and paramites in the same sentence kind of degrades the paramites’ name but I’ve got to know!

Alf:  Yes, how observant of you to notice how generous I am! Goodness I’m blushing! I am so overwhelmed by this moment we’ve had! What a wonderful reminder of how, on one level or another, we are all related. Hugs, anyone???

Q: Hello Alf, If Scrabs fight and kill each other every time they meet,how come they aren’t extinct? Maybe they have some strange mating ritual whilst fighting,maybe they reproduce alone or is there another reason……..Thanks for now……..Long Live Abe !!! —Johnny Q. 

Alf:  Yeah they fight a lot but they don’t kill each other off every time. It’s when you get two dominant Scrabs together that’s when it gets REALLY ugly!

Q:  Hey Alf, What sort of things do you like to watch on TV? How many channels do you guys get? I already know about Magog On the March (M.O.M.) and FUD Network, but what else do you guys like to watch on the tube? Also, what is the deal with that article in the Daily Deception? The one about you slapping people? Thanks, Khanz 

Alf:  I know that I am a celebrity, and that by dedicating my life to tea and rehabilitation I automatically put myself “out there” in the public eye, but this has gone too far! The tabloids, the intrusive questioning! Underneath the glamour I am just a Mud like everyone else! Why doesn’t anyone understand that?

Q:   Alf Man! As there are so many Wanted Posters of Abe and Munch, could you, Buddy, Abe, or Munch get some for us loyal fans? And, how come some Mudokons have more feathers than others? Great Site by the way. Thanks, toddmann. p.s. Really Great site.

Alf:  Todd Man! Thanks! There aren’t as many wanted posters as you’d think. They gave Abe and Munch a funny feeling, so they pretty much tear ’em up whenever they see one. The feather question is simply a result of a traditional supply and demand scenario.

Q:   I forgot to mention in my other letter, in Munch’s Odysee, the good ending, When Lulu is betting or about to, a lot of clapping is going on. I understand they wanna clap but how!? Glukkons dont have arms and the Vykkers looked to be less then 1/3 of the bidders. Alright then… good luck with your tea.

Alf:   Not entirely true. Though shamefully tiny, useless and hidden, Glukkons DO have arms and hands. Also, Vykkers have double the appendages of the average Inhabitant, AND they are fierce clappers. But you know, it wouldn’t surprise me if they invented some sort of clapping amplifier to make others believe that they are even better at it than they really are. Showoffs!!!

Q:   In O.World Munch’s Oddysee why the (pardon my language)H*** the fuzzles eat you when you get terrible quarma at level 23 Loading docks. Please this happened 3 times exactly so help me out here will ya? The Weirdo and Mud Worshiper —Cody

Alf:   Hi Cody. Try getting good Quarma. I think this will solve your problem, as the essence of Quarma is “what comes around, goes around,” to put it in a Fuzzle’s perspective. Besides, wouldn’t you be a little vindictive if your buddies left you to suffer in Vykker’s Lab?

Q:  How old is BigFace? Who’s the oldest Mudokon you know?

Alf:   BigFace many years old. Raisin Older. Raisin Eldest Elder Alf know.

Q:   YO!! do u know anything about the release date of Munch’s Oddysee gor GBA?? i would like to know… Also, y is your name alf? y isnt it Calvin…or Janet? PEACE OUT!! —Phil 

Alf:  My name is Alf because I was named after an Inhabitant in Leicester, England. Named Alf. You can read about him in the November 2000 archives. Calvin and Janet are fine names, just not “me”.

Q:   Hey Alf! Why on Abe’s Exoddus the sligs masks have been changed? And do u feel sorry for sligs because they’ve been neglected by skillya? Also 1 more thing, has a scrab attacked u ? stay odd —Declan

Alf:  I hear the sligs have great systems admin, and keep up on all the latest technology, hence the upgrade in face masks. Do I feel sorry for the them? Puh-leaze. Where is Alf’s mommy? What about my needs? Does anyone feel sorry for me? NO! And to wrap up, a reality check: Had I been attacked by a scrab I would be in that big Rehab in the sky, not down here doin’ dis!

Q:   What customers have you had lately?did elum come to your shop to have honey in his tea? And is their anyone else on Oddworld I can e mail? —Brad

Alf:  Hi Brad. Yes, Elum likes to stop by, but more for honey than tea, I think! He’s got an insatiable sweet tooth. Sorry to say that I am the only one you can email, though I am always happy to pass on the occasional message to other Inhabitants!

‘Till next time, this is the number one Mud that ain’t no dud — so when you have a question and need the direct line to information central, don’t forget to ask Dear Alf!