Dear Alf #26

You ask for it, Alf sort of sends this thing that vaguely resembles a reply and almost never directly relates to an answer … But that’s why we love him. Take a gamble and send your questions to the old Alfster… you might get a reply! Just remember that the odds are always with the house, or in this case, the rehab!

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions.

Q:   Hey Alf, Where does the name Magog Cartel come from? Love Kurdt

Alf:  Kurdt, I love you too, man! You have never heard of Magog before? Really, you kids are getting cheated on your education, you really should register a complaint! But really, Magog Cartel is serious business. This name is many centuries old, and as I’m sure you know, history that sticks around that long is likely to take part in the future at some point. Just be careful how much digging you do, this council of powerful financiers have a way of making problems disappear, so don’t be a problem, if ya know what I mean!

Q: Hey Alf, I was just wondering in Munch’s Oddysee there is a huge skeleton bone in the Paramite Run stage, I was just wondering if you could clear that one up… There is no creature in Oddworld that big that I have seen yet… Is that Searex I have heard a little about ..and one more question please…if Oddworlds’ next game isnt going to be Munch’s Exoddus then what the next installments purpose to the Quintology? Thanx for the chat. Catch some tea some time else. – Daniel

Alf:  You are correct. It is a creature that you have not seen yet. And the purpose of the next installment in the Quintology is the same as the others. The whole thing isn’t about Munch, it never was! Abe would be really hurt if he heard you say that!

Q:   What kind of life exist on other continents of Oddworld other than Mudos? Now I know thats a pretty deep question but have you seen other continents of Oddworld other than Mudos?From a loyal fan and hopefully one day a future conceptual artist Paramiteabe …(“-“)

Alf:  Dear PA. I am content with the confines of Mudos and my cozy Rehab for now. I know there is more out there, but, well, most of us are pretty lazy and not really interested too much in anything beyond our own backyards right now. If I hear anything, I’ll let ya know!

Q:   I’m getting Munch’s Oddysee for my birthday and I can’t wait. Any ways, I would like to know if there is a Slog queen and will we see slogs with machinery like robotic arms in future games thanx for your time

Alf:  Wow, Happy Birthday! Slog Queen? I don’t know. I guess slogs have to come from somewhere, though I always thought they probably just evolved from a stank-nasty cesspool. If the Glukkons or the Vykkers found a good use for Slogs with robotic arms, I am sure that they would build them. I’m not gonna be the one to bring it up, though.

Q:   I have a question to ask you about the glukkons. Here’s the question. W hat would happen if Mullock came back? Hope you answer my question. May Odd be with you!Cody

Alf:   I have an answer for your question. Here is the answer: If Molluck came back, everyone would know, as his stench precedes him! Besides, Abey wouldn’t let that happen, not in a bazillion years!!!!

Q:   Hey, Alf, how come you haven’t recognized as a hero like that bigshot Abe? And what exactly does BigFace have to hide? A facelift gone wrong maybe? See ya, Robman.

Alf:   Well, lets see. Abe saved the entire Mudokon race and destroyed a majority of the corporations taking advantage of Mudos. I make tea. You do the math! And let me tell ya something about BigFace: he’s got a big face! And a big heart! So don’t you go talkin’ ’bout Mr. Big that way! He’s gotta wear that mask because he’s so beautiful you couldn’t bear to look straight at him! Your eyes would shrivel up like used spooce!

Q:  Hi Alf, I have a question. I read that Sam (the Mudokon Queen) is the mother of all Mudokons. So, who is the father? -VaniLLaKiLLah

Alf:   Well, uh, Sam isn’t exactly a one Mudokon kinda gal, if you know what I mean … and by “you know what I mean”, I mean, he is really a they, and they are DRONES. Creepy, huh?

Q:  Hi Alf! I wanna ask u what is ur Rehab tea made of? Thx Shen

Alf:   Well, there are several recipes, but they all have one ingredient in common: Alf’s tender luvin’ care!

Q:   Yo Alf, I have a few questions for you. First of all, what the hell is that thing on a slig’s face? I figure you would know the anatomy of a slig from your years of the beating them silly. I thought it would control their pants, based on the wires leading to them, but crawling sligs have them too. My next question is probably a FAQ, but I’m too lazy to check. But why are Abe’s lips stitched together? Was it a sick plan the gluks thought up to keep him from communicating? If that’s the case, it doesn’t work too well. And the last one is, why did you get the rehab and tea center? Why not Abe? He may be a goofy schmuck, but he’s the savior. Not that I think you’re undeserving. So don’t hurt me. 

Alf:   Yo, lazy, I was gonna answer your question until you started insulting my abilities as the Rehab and Tea Proprietor. Abe may be some kinda savior, but he’s no genius, and his entrepreneurial capabilities are, what some might call “lacking”. Besides, if he were tied up in the Rehab, who would save the species? You? Pssssh!

Q:   I have trouble staying odd so please help me.

Alf: 1) Get Odd

2) Stay Odd

3) Lather, rinse, repeat.

Q:   Hey there fellow chimp … err champ (no offense), it’s me again and I have just one question for ya that I forgot to ask which it will be; whatever happened to the flying sligs? Anonymous

Alf:  They flew away! Badump Bump …

Q:   Dear Alf at the risk of repeating myself, I am in desperate need of another fix of that amazing creation called ODDWORLD. Is there anybody out there that can help? I have tried the doctors but he told me he didn’t have anything strong enough. I don’t know what I can do. I need to get hold of the next dose before I go completely insane. Is there anyone who knows where/ when/ how? Kind regards your most desperate fan Shane,

Alf:  Dear Shane, I have heard of people with your desperate condition. Perhaps you should visit the Vykkers’ , wherein a headport that beams constant Oddworld content over a special frequency can be implanted in your noggin. Otherwise, have a sip of tea and quit yer whinin’.

Q:   I was wondering what Sam the Mudokon queen looks like. If she is the mother of all the muds will that make her huge like a termite queen or is she the same size as the rest of her family. Please sent a picture or describe how she looks. Thanx bud.

Alf:  Yes, she is one huge motha! She’s never had her picture taken; our current megapixel technology just isn’t mega enough.

Q:   Just have a few questions for you… while I was reading “Dear Alf” I saw that one of your answers was; “Have you ever seen a female mud? Bluckhhhaaaaaaaa! They aren’t as attractive as you think!” My friends and I have been wondering for a while what do female muds look like?

Alf:  Like nothing else on Oddworld!

… And could you ask the coolest guy in the world (Lorne Lanning) to show a picture of a female mud on http://www.oddworld .com?

Alf:  I’m not gonna cause it would ruin your eyes or something!

… Also, I don’t want any crap saying that you’re not gonna cause it would ruin my eyes or somethin!

Alf:  Oops!

Q:   How come in Abe’s games he doesn’t need spooce to take control of someone but in Munch’s game you do?

Alf:  Transmedial spoodiosis, coupled with the realtime continuum.

Q:   In Munch’s Oddysee, glukkons say “how am I gonna pay the rent?” If they have no arms, how do they ever pay the rent anyway?

Alf:  This is going no where…

…Plus, why would they pay the rent if they are the leaders? That’s like the president paying the rent. : )

…and how does Lulu afford to put lulu funds everywhere if in the beginning he has no money?

… and why is Abe a different color than everyone else?

…and is the Glockstar a pimp, cause my sister and I think so.

Please send your reply to my email address instead of Alf’s rehab and tea

Alf:  Oops!

Q:  Hey, how do you reply to our emails? I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure Mudokons don’t have computers. Does the Almighty Raison do it for you? Somehow? He is Almighty after all.

Alf:  Almighty indeed! It takes a little finagling, some garden hose, half a pint of mojo and a little thing called imaaaaginaaaaation.

Q:   HI! My name is Stephen F. from Sussex in England. I Love ODDWORLD so much I even bought a XBOX so I could get ODDWORLD:MUNCH’s ODDYSEE and I do most of my class work on it. (If I get the chance.) I also draw comics of it! Any way I have a plan that will boost your success! Have you thought of using famous actors? Well here’s some suggestions: (these actors come from the U.K.) Richard Br yers, David Jason, Robert Lindsy, John Cleese, Dawn French and Rowan Atkinson. Bye Alf!

Alf:  Hi Stephen! I am glad that you are such a big fan! I can’t really agree, because I would probably be banished from Mudos forever if I didn’t say that our creator Lorne Lanning’s character voices are superior to all others. Although, one of the actors you mentioned seems just perfect for a particular role.

If only Mr. Cleese would fart in my general di-rection … =sigh=