Dear Alf #9

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions

Q:  C’mon guys! I’ve been waiting for the icons and wallpaper for months! Oh, and some screensavers, too, would be lovely. So how about it, MAKE WIT DA GOODS! PRONTO!

Alf:  Now this is feedback I can use! Let me make a note here, let’s see…”Call the folks in production and tell them to stop wasting their time on all of these games”. People are sick of games… what people want are screensavers and icons! Wow, that was close. You know, there were tentative plans for icons and such a little later on, but thanks to you, we can now redirect our efforts towards making this company an icon-producing machine such as the world has never seen!

Q:  You know that Shrink guy (The Magog Cartel Health Bloke), in the Oddworld universe industrial characters bit of the web site it says that he has a track going along the ceiling so he can move. I’m wondering, can he go on trains and stuff to get to other facilities, or is he disconnected then put back on in the other facilities?

Alf:  That sort of thinking doesn’t work here, kid. Sure you could stick him up on the train tracks and shoot him off somewhere else, but who pays for it all? You’ve got transportation fees, rail tolls and cargo taxes…then there’s the land barons, franchise owners and port supervisors who always take their cut. Much simpler and far cheaper to just junk the old one and build a new one somewhere else.

Q:  At what resolution will Oddworld games run on the Xbox?

Alf:  Our resolution will be the same it has always been, to make the very best games out there!

Q:   I was wondering why you torture us by never answering any questions completely, and why your answers seem to never follow the whole Oddworld atmosphere?

Alf:  Well, there’s a good reason for this, you see…(burp!)… oh man, big breakfast today. Hey, has anybody seen that movie Cool Hand Luke where that guy eats all those eggs? That’s what I feel like right now. Man, I gotta start cutting back. Anyway, what was the question? Ah well, let’s move on shall we?

Q:   Do Sligs live in the factories or do they get to go home?

Alf:  Sligs are like butterflies in that they live short and meaningless lives and their very existence is like a pox on the land. They reach maturity quickly and are immediately assigned to their posts throughout the industrial empires. They stay on duty 24 hours a day until they simply collapse. Their limp bodies are then thrown into the recyclers, converted to a brownish, energy-rich sludge which is served as a delightful lunch ration in cafeterias everywhere.

Q:   Munch broke his leg in a bear trap right, does that mean there are bears on Oddworld?

Alf:  Bears? Jeez, I guess there could be bears. You’re right, I mean why would someone lay a bear trap if there were no bears? It’s ridiculous!

Q:   Are there Mudokon and Glukkon drones who sit around doing nothing in the hope of some day “getting lucky” with the queen? 

Alf:   In this case, use of the term “getting lucky” may not exactly be appropriate as the queens are essentially enormous sacks of fat rolls, covered in sweaty lumps, hair and weeping glands. I doubt any drone would consider himself lucky in the face of such a revolting task.

Q:   Why have the Sligs eyes changed? In Abe’s Oddysee the Sligs had a visor sort of thing going across their face, and in Exoddus they have proper eyes. Please explain.

Alf:  The Slig suicide rate soared during the time those visors were issued. Sligs began walking off high ledges and stumbling into bone-crunching machinery more and more often. Studies showed that those first visors had a small optical misalignment that caused the wearer’s eyes to become crossed. Vykkers scientists quickly modified the equipment and Slig suicides have subsequently evened out.

Q:   I saw in the movies that Abe could pick up Sligs from the back. Can you ask Abe about any other abilities he has picked up or learned from his mentors? Perhaps anything heroic or daring? 

Alf:  Why doesn’t anyone ever ask me about my heroics? Oh well, hold on a second… “Hey Abe, this person wants to know what new skills you’ve learned!” He’s thinking. You know, I can do this thing with my armpit…oh, hold on again. “Why is everyone laughing?” Oh, heh heh, he farted. Well, I guess that’s a skill.

Q:   Should the Fleeches be counted as “wildlife?” They were created by Vykkers.

Alf:  What sort of nonsense is this? Fleeches are most definitely a creature indigenous to Oddworld, almost as old as the world itself and may certainly be counted as “wildlife”. You must be confused.

Q:   What is an Oddworld rat? 

Alf:  A filthy, detestable little creature, found by the billions in the underground sewer networks. It can be a delicacy however, when roasted and served with a light mustard sauce.

Q:   Do Mudokons have teeth? I’m personally stumped on this one.

Alf:  Of course! Though in addition to teeth, we have a sort of “gizzard” that further breaks down food.

Q:   Why do Abe and other Mudokons wear “skirts?”

Alf:  Are your powers of deductive reasoning really that poor? Surely you can come up with the answer on your own.

Q:   Is the bird mask that Big Face wears suppose to be the head of the creature that Mudokons supposedly evolved from?

Alf:  Good heavens, where do you kids come up with this stuff? Has Big Face been spouting his crazy talk again? As far as I know, he picked it up at an old junk shop in exchange for some comic books.

Q:   Can you tell us some interesting facts about Paramites that you know and we don’t?

Alf:  Well, if you scratch them in just the right place, they do this really cute kicking thing with their hind leg. Of course that’s just before they turn on you and rip you limb from limb.

Q:   What did Vykkers and Interns look like before their (obvious) operations? (stitches around the limbs, etc.) Will we see what they looked like? I mean, just because they’re Vykkers, doesn’t mean they ALL are in the medical profession.

Alf:  They look pretty much like you see. The limb replacements are just to get better limbs than those that they had. Vykkers, like Glukkons, don’t take very good care of their bodies, and need constant replacement parts. As for profession, Vykkers aren’t all doctors, they’re all researchers. Some do medical research, finding new uses for helpless animals, or new addictive substances to add to the food. Others invent new kinds of noxious industrial chemicals, or cheaper ways to suck the value out of the land.

Q:   I know Glukkons “worship” Power and Moolah, (and I suspect most everyone else does too), but I mean OTHER than Power and Moolah is there a religion on Mudos? Or are there several?

Alf:  Each species has its own main religion. Mudokons (at least the natives) revere harmony with nature. Glukkons worship Moolah, as you guessed. Sligs think that meanness is divine. Vykkers believe that knowledge (especially the dangerous kind) is king.

Q:   I was wondering why Sligs always obey the Glukkons? They have machine guns and grenades to they can easily destroy them, and the Glukkons don’t have any arms.

Alf:  O, how I wish it was that easy. Problem is, the Glukkons control the moolah. Sure, you can blow the blowhards to smithereens, but then you don’t get paid at the end of a week. If you don’t get paid, you can’t buy more ammo, or gas for your pants. (Did you know these pants are gas powered?) And if there’s one thing every slig learns, it’s don’t get caught without pants or ammo. We all just love to beat on the dopes who do, and even mudokons will sometimes beat up a pantsless slig. How embarrassing is that?

Q:  What’s up with the ever-changing Munch logo? First it’s the needles and stuff one and now it’s a soda can. What the heck?!

Alf:  Shucks. We’re just keeping you on your toes out there. Our fearless leader is always dreaming up new things. The logo changes you see are the merest tip of that iceberg of wonder.

Q: Have you ever encountered a Fleech? I just wanted a humorous answer.

Alf:  I have not but I know a Slig who has. Crig?

Crig the Slig:  Sure, once. It all happened back during Abe’s Exoddus. I was working an outside patrol back then, and I spotted Abe one night. He was too far to shoot, and I would have just left him, but there was a reward, and I really wanted that new BlastMaster 350 dual-barrel alternating machine rifle. It’s so sweet.

Anyway, I chased him through the gloom until I stumbled into a pit of Fleeches! Stupid of me, I know, but I was dreaming of that BlastMaster and how it’d make me big slig in the barracks. Instead, I was pants deep in hungry mouths with grippy tongues. Good thing I had my gun (don’t leave home without it).

I opened fire on the little monsters, and I got most of them before the last one sucked me in. By the time I had fired my way out, it ate my arm off; that’s why they call me “lefty”. But I was lucky; you should talk to “no-nose” if you want to hear a real sad story.