Dear Alf #15

They say the only dumb question is the one that doesn’t get asked. Well, I beg to differ. The dumb question is the one that gets asked OVER AND OVER AGAIN! So, before you write, check our list of Most Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Hey Alf, why does Abe’s Oddysee have these flying robot things to stop you from chanting, but Abe’s Exoddus replaces them with Security Orbs?

Alf: The Flying Robot Things were simply becoming old and outdated. They began to malfunction, zapping anything and everything that moved. When it came time to renew the contract with the manufacturer, the Flying Robot Things were underbid by the cheaper and more reliable Security Orbs.

Q: Dear Alf, My name’s Jenn. My friend and Me live in England or(Old Blighty) and we are huge fans of the Abey games. What’s the Lulu Fund?. I saw your website while I was supposed to be working at school,and I showed Mel and we thought you and the website were cool because, we can be able to ask someone who is a professional about different things about the Abe games. We love the oddworld games.thanks for reading my email.
yours sincerely Mel Russel and Jenn H

Alf: Thanks Mel and Jen, I’m flattered that you consider me a professional. Some people don’t consider me as such, they think that I’m ill-tempered and that I insult the fans (by the way, you need to work on your grammar big time). Of course such criticisms are nonsense as you so rightly pointed out. I strive to do my job with a dignity and efficiency that exemplifies professionalism. Now, you had a question, right? Let’s see, oh yes… “What’s the Lulu Fund” Hmm, evidently you haven’t yet played the game and I don’t want to spoil it for you. Hint: it has to do with moolah.

Q: I was wondering, will Abe be transforming into the Shrykull in any more Oddworld games? I would also like to say that if Abe is too much of a schmuck to use this awesome ability again you should talk to Bigface about letting you get yourself some nifty hand tattoos. Come to think of it, the Weirdos ought to give you some invisibility and healing powers too. You and Abe would make an unstoppable glukkon-factory destroying force (oh, and I guess you could let Munch tag along to if he still has some hot air to blow off). When this happens, Oddworld: Alf’s Oddysee and Exoddus won’t be to far away.
P.S. You will still be as cool as ever if you would rather stay at the Rehab and Tea to help out mudokons that are sickly addicted to SoulStorm Brew.

Alf: If Abe transforms into the Shrykull again, he better not do it on my new carpet. Me, I can transform a league of Mudokons into tea-drinking folks, and Abe simply gets zapped into a big dumb spider-looking thingie. Do I get credit? Noooooo! If he gets into any moods to go Shrykull on me, I’m gonna get a tomahawker on his Mudokon butt.
I talked to Bigface about using some tattoos, but he said I would have to earn them — what does that mean, earn them? I need tribal know-how? I need to walk aimlessly in the desert with a big silly mask on my face? I have to be in a band? Pff. I don’t need his tattoos, I’m currently drawing my own using mud and a stick.

Teaming up with Abe? Hmmm. Yes, the possibilities are endless. In fact, when we stop the Glukkon’s factories, maybe I can relocate my Tea-store chains to a bigger market. To better serve the people, of course. I’ve been banging on the door of the Weirdos to give me some cool powers for ages. They won’t see me without the approval of Bigface, so again with the mud and the stick.

Remember, a day without Alf is a day without …. Alf.

Q: Alf Alf Alf.. I send you a queshunn’ and you don’t reply.. Are you chuggin’ down brew again?.. Lemme’ ask a different queshunn’. Is there going to be an Oddworld movie? Maybe an Abe movie or Munch ‘N’ Abe movie.. Including you of course. And also I’m very interested in becoming an Oddworld Inhabitant. No, not a Mudokon or a Paramite. I mean a creator of Mudokons and Paramites. Would the Mudanchee Spirits open up a spot in Oddworld for me?

Alf: Yea, yea. All the world wants a piece of the AlfMeister. Pull up a chair, Sonny, lemme spin you a web of dismay and wonder…
I personally can see nothing better than a movie coming down the pipe — why, the possibilities are endless. “Alf the Destroyer”, “Alftanic”, “A Midsummer Night’s Alf”, or maybe just plain “The Phantom Alf”. You know, I always WAS something of a great actor. My Ma always said so.
This brings us to our next point: Creation. A piece of paper and a pencil to show your creations is the best canvas you could hope for. What would we be without you delicious fans? I always draw stuff out and pin it on my wall — if you send your drawings in to Oddworld, maybe they’ll pin e’m up on theirs.

So in conclusion, my name is… my name is … my name is Alf.

Q: Hello. I am Nadine. I like oddworld. I think it’s really rad, but I wouldn’t want to live there. It’s scary. Anyway, as I was admiring the oddworld scenery, I wondered if perhaps obesity existed on oddworld. Surely scrab-cakes, paramite-pies and mudokon-pops contain calories, and surely certain consumers would consume more than the recommended daily allowance and become obese. It would be funny to be chased by an obese slig, because he couldnÕt run that fast, and they sorta do a waddle-type thing when they run, and theyÕd be all over the place with their fatness. So yes, is there obesity in Oddworld?
P.S. I’d totally donate to Lulu’s fund if I had money and a Lulu Fund receptacle nearby…
P.P.S. I’m not fat…no, seriously, I ain’!

Alf: Sure you’re not honey, just like my belly is actually a solid ball of quivering coiled muscle. The answer sadly, is yes, obesity does exist on Oddworld as it does everywhere in the universe where lazy creatures, preferring a more sedentary lifestyle, choose to sit out the adventures, opting instead for afternoon soaps and microwave pizza.

Q: Yo Alf, you might remember you saying chicks dig Elum, well I have a question (actually two). Do you know chicks dig Mudokons (in particular Abe, they think he’s cute), and if you do know that they like you, why? I mean no disrespect for the Mudokon tribes or anything, I can easily see you are people whom are one with the environment, one with peace and one with caring, but you are also fish-eyed, green (or blue)-skinned, have low IQs, are generally rude and are not brawny at all, how do you do it? Do you produce some type of aphrodisiac or do you simper and reply with their every need, please reply, this has been bugging me for some time.

Alf: To paraphrase the question: why are women attracted to you despite your uncomely appearance? Listen up, son. This is a question that has been posed by many an ugly man throughout the ages, and the answer has always been the same. It comes down to a simple equation, one that, as an ugly person yourself, you will come to depend on more and more as you grow older: Ugly + $$$ = Chicks.

Q: Hey alf I would like to know why Oddworld scraped the slig toss idea I have not played it and I will only play it next year but this is what I have heard.

Alf: You need to get new sources. You can, in fact, pick up Sligs and toss them about to your heart’s content (provided of course they don’t beat you to death first). While there is no place in the game exactly like the one shown in the infamous visualization so long ago, that particular game mechanic does indeed exist.

Q: I would just like to say something. I bought the PlayStation 2 last year as soon as it came out, mainly because I was looking forward to playing the next game of Oddworld on it which I was assured would be on that platform when I bought it. Now that you have changed to Xbox, I am left without the prospect of ever playing your game. I think this was a major mistake on your part as I think the game would be much more popular if released on the PlayStation 2 as so many people own it. I don’t understand your decision and hope you have received similar emails….from very disappointed fan. .

Alf: So basically what you’re saying is that you’re disappointed because you bought the wrong system? Maybe you want us to make our games for the Atari 2600 because you bought one 20 years ago as well. Times change kid, and you’ve got to change with them, so go buy an Xbox and quit crying!

Q: Hi, I haven’t finished Munch’s Oddysee yet, but I was wondering if there will be any Meetles and Mugs in the game? Don’t ruin too much for me, I’m on the Splinterz level.

Alf: Alrighty, I wouldn’t want to ruin it for ya! Fuzzles… have you seen the Fuzzles?

Q: I just finished Munch’s Oddysee and I absolutely loved it, but I am curious about a few things that I thought were going to be there. Here it goes: What about Abe’s mother and the shrink, the return of Molluck that was so often rumored, a visit to Alf’s Rehab and Tea, Munch’s broken leg, tree growing, tree recycling, vending bombs, those cool creatures that you can raise to be good by feeding them fruit or evil by feeding them meat, and the whole specie’s queens subplot?

Alf: Well, Abe’s Ma is a tough one, we all got a soft spot for our Ma. Abe doesn’t tell me much about her.
The return of a good villain like Mollock happens when you least expect it. If you expect it, they won’t appear. That’s what makes those slimebags so tricky. And the other questions, well, if they weren’t in the latest game, then … well, they weren’t there. If you tell one story, then you have to exclude all the others you could be telling at that same moment. But hey, all this stuff is good fodder — Maybe next time around, neh?

And don’t forget, you can always ask: “What’s it all about, Alfie?”