Dear Alf #53: Cigars and Brandy in Mahogany Rooms

Another round of your questions answered by Alf.

And here we are again – another round of your questions for me, Alf, proprietor of the finest tea house on Mudos – Alf’s Rehab and Tea, where your questions are answered and everybody ends up being the winner.

We’re all winners. Even you, with your question that’s not really a question.

Shall we begin? Let’s.

AHLU: I know that Glukkons have shriveled legs, and use their arms to walk, therefore not having a free hand… but what if, (and would…?) a Glukkon were to buy and surgically attach mechanical arms to themselves, therefore giving them the freedom from having slaves/Sligs do everything?

Alf: Beeeeez, this has gotta be in the top five questions I ever get. Lemme ask ya, if your social life was cigars and brandy in mahogany rooms, would YOU wanna be the one to annihilate the class with your clunking industrial pliers for arms? And if your social ladder was built out of how many chumps you can get doing everything for ya, would YOU wanna be the loser who starts doing things with your own paws like a Cavegluk? Well maybe ya would, but you’d make a dreadful Glukkon.

DrunkenFool: I found some Mudokons throwing some Sligs into a Splinterz brand tree ‘recycler’ with the following ‘types’ of junk on its display – Meat, Scrap, Bone, Fat, and Fluids. Nothing about trees.

Alf: That would be scrap. Scrap metal, scrap wood, scrap stone, scrap flowers, scrap art, scrap health and safety regulations: it’s all stuff fer makin’ stuff. Meat’s fer eatin’, bone’s fer ‘splodin’, fat’s fer burnin’, fluid’s fer I dun even wanna know, but scrap is the rest of it fer doin’ everythin’ else.

Guilherme: With so advanced tech, why hasn’t any creature from Oddworld created any kind of spaceship yet?

Alf: Space? Why are we going to space? Are there intergalactic Mudokons that need rescuing? Lots of forests to chop down on the moons, are there? Loads of Space Fuzzles to abduct and run stardust experiments on, right? No? None of that? None of anything that anyone needs or wants? Oh great. Let’s go anyway for some reason. They serve tea at least, yes? NO!? Well in that case let’s go right now! Imma be the first Mudokon to open an orbital rehab!

Just the three this week? Well that just means more for next week. They’re all in the vault, festering away whilst the cruel beast that is Time takes its merry toll.

That said, if you’ve got something on your mind – and it clearly doesn’t need to make much sense – get in touch at @OddworldInc with the hashtag #DearAlf, drop me a comment below or use that new fangled Facebook my customers keep going on about. I’m here all week. In fact, it’s all I do.

Now, let’s have some of that tea. Move over a little.