Dear Alf #56: Taste-Tea Treats

If you’ve ever been confused between addictive junk food and nutritious herbal remedies, Alf is here to separate the lies from the leaves.

Another week
draws to a close, but Alf’s Rehab & Tea is now open for all your interventional needs. In this week’s therapy, Alf explains why his uncriticable beverages are at minimum 299 times better than any of the reconstituted pulp you’re bulk buying from any of the twenty Gluk-E-Mart outlets near you. Pull up a beanbag and relax to the facts.

David: Green Tea? Fan or foe? No tough on your rehab tea I’d bet!

Alf: It’s all part of a healthy tea diet. You should drink five portions of tea a day. Drink teas of different colors to make sure you get a full range of vitamins and minerals!

Gabriel: Hi, Alf! Hope you’re doing well. I was wondering, when and how did you come up with the tea you sell today? I’m assuming after your adventure in the desert?

Alf: It took some trial and error, a bit of time and a lot of patience, but my unrivaled recipe is simply the best concoction for the job. I looked to ancient wisdom of plants, consulted the elders, and frankly I had no shortage of Brew-addled souls to help before I achieved perfection. But I got there, and now there’s no limit to the help my tea can do. I once cut my finger on a dangerously-suspended dream catcher and tea made it heal real fast, I swear it’s true!

Jesper: I’ve been wondering for quite some time, what does Soulstorm brew taste like? Does it taste like bones? That doesn’t sound very appealing, least of all intoxicating to me.

Alf: It’s like candied mouthwash, babbling over your tongue like pristine springs in sparkling sunlight. It’s like a father figure giving you a relaxing and electrifying pat on the back and saying “You’re amazing. You’re doing brilliantly. Don’t stop now.” It’s like the torrent of relief and release swirling down your throat is pushing you up, up, up but before you know it you’re sinking down, down, down. I hope I’m putting you off.

CrantheMudanchee: Who are the main consumers of glukkon products, like paramite pies, soulstorm brew, etc.? Are they other glukkons?

Alf: Glukkons, sure, they’ll eat ’em behind closed doors. Glukkons don’t tend to eat in public, their table manners aren’t generally held in high regard. Sligs love the stuff, but they gotta consider company policy. It’s unprofessional to be seen supporting another company’s products. Not without a big, fat marketing deal that is. But you should see the junk food they stash in their bunks! Mudokons don’t get a choice, it’s addictive own-brand or nowt. The real customers are the Khanzumerz in the big cities. That’s where the real Moolah comes from.

Shruggy: Hey Alf! I was wondering if you could shed some light on flavors of certain snacks and drinks you’ve tasted like Bone Brew, Paramite Pies, and any other snacks you may have tried..?

Alf: Look, these cheap throwaway products aren’t exactly crafted with artisan subtlty. A Paramite Pie is Paramite meat in a pie, with a whole bunch of jelly, salt, preservatives and other things I don’t recommend putting in yourself. They taste good for a bit, but that’s it. I have no pleasant memories of enjoying a Paramite Pies. Not now I know there’s so much out there cooked with love and attention. Quit dwelling on this mass-produced garbage and go experience the rich variety of food! And bring me back something nice and tasty.

Also can you share the recipe for your tea?

Alf: Oh hey, sure thing, partner! Here’s instructions on how to replicate my products entirely. I’ve also included a free sample of ingredients to help get you started. In fact, let’s make it a lifetime supply! Why don’t you just move in and take over my life’s work! NO, GET OUT! MAKE YOUR OWN TEA!

TotallyNotARebelSlig: why is your tea so delicious

Alf: It’s because I’m so full of tenderness and compassion.

Speaking o’ which, it’s ’bout time I kindly ask ya all to get outta my Rehab. I need to make sure no one’s been going through my cookbooks or springing traps for me. A Mud’s gotta be protective of his personal empire! I’ll be fine, just leave yur questions on the table over there, on Twitter or Facebook or in the comments below. I’ll get round to ’em next week, when I’m sure it’s safe to let anyone back in.