Dear Alf #57: Meals, Mêlée and Mates

Alf wants you to get better acquainted with you friendly neighbourhood Mudokons. Don’t let their wonderful ways weird you out, Scrabdangit!

Abeboxx is out! At least in part of the world (that’s your world, not Oddworld… We already got our own Abe, thanks). Speakin’ o’ whom, I reckon I’m gonna keep eschewing that guy for a bit longer and continue the theme set by this week’s Fan Art Tuesday (call it a lingering FArT if you’re so inclined).

This week’s Dear Alf is dedicated to the other Mudokons! Not Abe, not even me, but the nameless hundreds of chumps scrubbin’ floors, diggin’ bones, testin’ grenades and donatin’ ingredients. This is a column all about Mudokon culture, customs, habits and tastes.

Tori: Hey, Alf. How’ve ya been? I have another couple questions: Can you tell us about Buddy the khanzumer? What’s he like, and should I bake a cake for him?

Alf: Buddy’s the best! Well, he ain’t exactly the saviour of his race, but he’s a damn cool kid anyway. I’ve never seen anyone keep either a hackey sack or a webserver up for as long as he can. You should totally bake him a cake. He loves cake! But don’t mean and call him a Khanzumer, b’okay? He may be a little weighty, but there ain’t anyone who deserves to get compared to that lot. Buddy’s a Mudokon. Budokon?

Emily: Can you tell me what Buddy’s voice is like? I imagine it being very deep and smoooooth. Also, anything else you can tell us about him?

Alf: Buddy’s so boss, Buddy’s so bass, Buddy’s so deep he’s deeper than space! Haha. I came up with that on the spot. Bud’s a super scout, donchaknow, can get a whole forest mapped out in his head down to each and every tree. So what if it’s not perfectly accurate when he puts it down on paper? So what if it made all them tourists get lost in the woods? Point is, no one else has the dedication and perseverence to actually make that map in the first place. I doff ma fez at ya, ol’ Buddy ol’ pal!

Lee: Did the muds learn any fighting skills over recent years or any years(it could help them)?

Alf: Hey, just coz we’re a bunch of pushovers who’ll follow anyone with a kind word or bottle of refreshing beverage, don’t mean we can’t put up a struggle! You must notta been lookin’ when we were whippin’ out our kickbutt weaponry and combat tactics. Whether we’re launching assaults across the map with Storm Circles and Spooce Cannons, or marching into battle with Elum cavalry and Meetle squadrons, you better not underestimate us before trying to steal our lands and our people! Plus, we can pack a mighty slap!

Kamagawa: Since abe’s exodus starts as soon as abe farts at the end of abe’s oddysee, why weren’t the games remade as one game?

Alf: Whoa, do you want us to release this thing any time soon or not??

Majdi: What do Mudokons eat and drink?

Alf: Muddy me, what don’t we eat!? Well, we don’t eat each other, I can tell ya that much. At least no one I know has ever admitted to trying a Mudokon Pop. Oh hang on, SoulStorm Brew… Well, I guess we ain’t actually so great after all. But it sure ain’t intentional, Scrabdangit! When you find out what goes in that stuff, it kinda puts you off it, ya know? Then again if that’s all it took we wouldn’t need a Rehab. I don’t wanna think about this any more.

Taylor: Dear Alf, how long can a mud live with out food or water? Also how thirsty were you when you were in the desert with Abe? it was only a day. could you have lived another two days?

Alf: Pally, I couldn’ta lived another minute! Don’t say ‘only a day’ like you’re regularly spending weeks at a time encased in salt. I’d like to see you sweatin’ across the scorching wastelands of Necrum without so much as a sandwich. Although we had plenty of sand so I guess all we’da needed is a wich. Which reminds me, why didn’t we bring a shaman? Can’t they cast rain spells and pull food outta thin air? I think I’m gonna have to have some stern words with Big Face, that ivory tower coward.

Totally-Not-A-Mudokon: How does one tame a paramite/scrab?

Alf: NO, DON’T DO IT! There’s some knowledge that’s best left to the protessionals, kiddo. I ain’t telling ya squat! You wanna go predator-hunting in sacred stomping grounds, that’s your own death sentence, and I ain’t lending you any hand or word of encouragement. Trust me, punk, leave those beasts alone!

Nikki: Speaking of love, do gender neutral Mudokons fall in love?

Alf: With themselves? Sometimes. With SoulStorm Brew? Better believe it. With each other? Eh. Not really the kinda thing we do. Not outta choice, it’s just the way we’re built I guess. Sometimes Muds will form strong bonds with one another and they’ll become pretty unseparable. But that’s about trust and shared interests, and if my old Foster Slig taught me anything, it’s that those things ain’t got two squashed Slurgs to do with love. Now if you’ll excuse me, Buddy and I are gonna go knit ourselves a new hackey sack.

Come back for your next weekly session with Dear Alf next week, same day, same place (that’s Friday at Alf’s Rehab & Tea – you didn’t know that??). Submit your fascinating questions to Facebook, use the #DearAlf hashtag on Twitter or just drop a comment below. And don’t forget the Fan Art galleries on Tuesdays!