Dear Alf #58: Fight Against Slignorance

Crig the Slig returns to Alf’s Rehab to answer more of your questions as part of his Fight Against Slignorance campaign.

As promised, we’re here today at Alf’s Rehab & Tea with a special guest, who we’ve blimped in for a week of special Sliggy celebrations. If you don’t know Crig the Slig, then you’re missing out on one of Sligunkind’s most recognized masks.

As a former writer for The Daily Deception, Crig is trained in the arts of misdirection, convolution and outright fibbing. Lately he’s been using his skillset as part of his new struggle to raise awareness and sympathy for his people, a Mudos-wide campaign he’s calling ‘Fight Against Slignorance’.

So pull up your pants and pay attention to our special guest, Crig. Take it away, squid-face!

Fig Pucker: Why are sligs so blind? Som- i mean All sligs can stare Abe down in the eyes and not notice him, like then he puts one foot in a shadow. Why are sligs so stupid and/or blind?

Crig: Hey poo brain, you musta come to the wrong seminar! This is the one meant to make us look good, not the one for your backwards prejudices! Believe it or not, when a Mudokon hides in shadow they’re actually in the dark, and I’m not a scientist but I know you need light to see things! I dunno what brain virus makes Abe the dangerous renagade he is, but it don’t make him glow in dark. Only ghosts do that! And ya know what else ghosts are? Invisible! Maybe we ain’t the sharpest dice in the deck, but you can’t hold ghosts against us!

Alex: What do sligs use their face tentacles for besides pulling switches? Cheers Alf #DearAlf

Crig: As little as possible. Seriously, the only reason we don’t tie the things up in a bag is because it’s so uncomfortable. Half the reason we try to save up for awesomer armor is that we get to cover up our ugly faces even more, tentacles included. I don’t think you get how ugly we are, and how much that holds us back in life. If you had tentacles hanging off your face, you’d understand.

PoorShmuck: I saw a sligs face once. I turned around and farted in its general direction, then ran the hell away. Do you know where i can see therapy about not screaming at it

Crig: You did the right thing, especially the part where you span around and got away from the crime scene face first. Times like that you gotta look after number one and protect yourself from further harm. I mean, a true hero woulda dived at the offending mug with the nearest available anything in a desperate bid to shield that dangerous appearance from the rest of the world. Be traumatized for life, but you’d save a lot of others from the same fate. But you ain’t a hero. Best therapy about is always Alf. Stick about after this, he’ll help ya out!

Alf: Oh no no no, you’re not unloading your horrible experience on me! Sorry, but that’s a visual description I’m keepin’ faaaar away from. Uhh, go talk to the Raisin.

Charlie: i know that sligs are always treating mudokons like slaves but what do sligs eat and drink anyway?

Crig: Hey now, don’t go saying spurious things like that. It’s the Glukkons that treat Mudokons like slaves. Far as we’re concerned, you guys are fellow workers to be harrowed and bullied and beaten like any other. Don’t go thinking we’re the ones making the rules, we just enjoy following them! What do we eat and drink? Same stuff you guys do: fast food, junk food, snack food, brew and coffee. See, we ain’t so different after all! I’m going home tonight to a feast of Momma Flabby’s homestyle ready-dining! I love that Momma.

Lee: Hey Alf, you do you thinks is the stupidest Sligs or Glukkons?

Crig: As someone who can answer this question a lot more objectively than Alf, I can confirm that Glukkons are stupidest. I mean, we’ve got pants and guns and Whack-a-Mud. They’ve got shareholder meetings, shoulder pads and Need-a-Hand. What more do I need to say?

Venks: #DearAlf You haven’t come across any Albino Sligs recently have you? I know they tend to disappear after birth, but thought I’d ask anyways.

Crig: I haven’t come across any weird-lookin’ Sligs. Trust me, after dishing out the healthy overdose of taunting and bludgeoning they have coming to ’em, I’d remember! We have a reputation to maintain: We’re ruthless, heartless security jerks, here to stomp on upstart slaves and keep out self-righteous rebels. Every Slig has been through a nightmarish selection process to ensure only the finest, fittest, fightingest specimens make it to factory floors. There’s no room for genetic setbacks or standout non-conformists. An albino Slig would be a threat to the financial security of Sligdom and should be teased mercilessly.

TotallyNotARebelSlig: I heard of an earthling monster called “Cthulu” which is like a giant (AND I MEAN GIANT) Slig that has wings, scales, and is much, much worse.

Crig: Probably the result of some twisted Vykker experiment. The things they can do with GM steroids and a tube of supposterone would leave you speechless. Gonna assume you don’t mean mechanical wings, so who knows where they come from. Probably a casual bit of limb-splicing from a Flying Scrab. All in a day’s leisure time for them, and then it’s time for their real work. They’re disturbing and frightening. I’ve signed up for some of their experimental arm-regrownanism. Maybe I’ll get a wing and be able to fly in circles.

Rui: the slig in love?

Crig: Love? Where is that? I’ve never heard of a Slig from there.

Thanks, Crig! It’s thanks to your tireless campaign circuit that Inhabitants across the nation, now including my special Rehab regulars, can rest assured that their understanding of Sligs is underlined by your insider knowledge and front-line experiences. You are welcome at the Rehab any time.

There will be a short opportunity for you to have copies of Crig’s newly released autobiography—Pyrrhic Sligtory—signed, stamped and generally defaced. While you’re waiting in line, have a think about what questions you want to put to Alf when he returns to centre stage next week. Submit them on Facebook or Twitter (using the important and fabulous hashtag #DearAlf) or drop them in the comments below.

See you next week!