Dear Alf #63: Kitchens, conversations & Chroniclers

Alf tries to emulate the organizational skills of the logical Chroniclers by getting some of your more unsortable questions done and dusted.

I try to keep your questions all neatly organized. I label sacks with topics and file your letters, your emails, your comments accordingly. I stamp the ones I’ve used and set them to one side for future reference. But I’m no Chronicler. Being this organized leaves my office very disorganized!

Here’s a few questions I found hard to categorize, but I’m sure you’ll have no problem filing them under ‘I’ for ‘Informative’.

Merlin: I was sitting down with my own cup of tea reading the latest issue of “Dear Alf,” when I noticed nearly (if not all) the questions were either about Abe, or even directly to him! Now don’t get me wrong friend, Abe is a good guy and all, but this is your article Alf! So my question is, why did everyone have an Abe hype suddenly?

Alf: Abe’s a pretty popular guy, and can ya blame him? He rescued a whole buncha Mudokons from a life of slavery, including yours truly. No surprise he gets a lotta fan mail, and it’s my job to answer it all! Capisce? Well, I ain’t seen that guy about much lately, so sure. I’m gonna make this an Abe-free week here at Dear Alf Headquarters (aka Alf’s Rehab & Tea).

Lee: How do you make time between reading fan mail and making tea?

Alf: It’s a gruelling regime that often has me up aaaall night trying to cram it all in. Sometimes I resort to reading fan mail while making tea. Sometimes that gets messy. Like this one time I poured teabags all over myself! But I was lucky, I know Muds who’ve been through worse. One of my assistants (hey, I gotta sleep too) wasn’t paying attenion one time when she was juggling tea-making with organizing the weekly hackey-sack tournament, and she poured sugar all over her feet! Let this be a warning: pay attention to what you’re doing in the kitchen! I don’t ever want my ingredients wasted again.

Totally-Not-A-Mudokon: How strong are your arms? Like ranging from 1 (Master tea stirrer) to 423 (I can punch a scrab to death)

Alf: I am a master tea stirrer (I’m a master tea everything), so I guess 1.

Wonki Dear Alf: I had a dream where you and i destroyed rupture farms and saved abe. It was awesome! i was wondering if i could be a mudokon , should i be a native, tomahawker , or a mudarcher?
i’m drinking tea right now XD

Alf: Tea-riffic! Dreams can be powerful and incisive, but yours just sounds cool! It makes sense that you and I would save Abe. How could he even chant to open bird portals with those silly stitches in his lips? Eh, whatever, I said I wasn’t gonna talk about that guy. You should totally be a tomahawker. Mostly because I don’t want you drifting into your dreamland while firing a Spooce Bow.

MudokonMan: What was it like in Rupture Farms? Any actual “perks” of working there? Were you even allowed to talk to your fellow mudokons when the sligs weren’t around?

Alf: We got free food and shelter. I mean we had to do our jobs, but at the end of the day everything we needed was provided to us. Everything we thought we needed, I should say. We could talk a bit at work, depending on what the job was and who was supervising, but not much, and it was monitored closely to make sure we were loyal and subserviant to the company. On the plus side, we were sometimes allowed to use a cloth to scrub the floor.

Wesley: Also could you name a creature that we haven’t heard about yet?

Alf: Sure! Gimme a list of all the creatures you’ve heard about and I’ll add another one to it.

Leeman: What is a chronicler and are they related to interns it anyway?

Alf: Chroniclers are highly intelligent and massive suckups; Interns are vacant-minded and barely motivatable. I don’t think they’re related. Great Chroniclers are lawyars and accountants, able to spot any loophole that will benefit their paymaster. They also make good middle managers because they naturally strive for efficiency and productivity. It’s a foolish family that shirks their services.

Toasty: Will we be seeing you go on your own Tea filled adventure?

Alf: I’m struggling to decide what to do next. I could accept that semi-starring role in SpooceShrubs vs Mudombies, or I coud take a risk and be a bit more adventurous, trying to take down the local branches of that coffeehouse chain everybody’s always going on about. Abe keeps offering to do it for me, but I just tell him no! I can do this! Why don’t you believe in me? Eh, whatever, I’m going to bed.

On your way out, if you’ve got any more questions for Alf, please leave them in the comments below. Or you could send them in by using the hashtag #DearAlf on Facebook or Twitter. Either way, we’ll see you for more Dear Alf next week!