Dear Alf #64: Siege, steam and Scrabman

It’s a pretty SAD time of year for a lot of people, but Alf knows some conflicts that’ll make your worries boil away.

Things are hectic at the Rehab. This time of year is always a struggle for a lot of people coping with excess, dependence and strife. Here at Alf’s Rehab & Tea, we take that turmoil and we, uh, we turn it into… tea… boil. Teaboil. Instead of turmoil.

This week we’re focusing on conflict and combat. There’s certainly no end of that in this Oddforsaken Oddworld. The sheer scale of it might even guilt some of you into leaving me alone with your relatively minor worries. We can but hope.

Taylor: how dose the magog cartel take over muddoken villages exactly? do you just surrender when they come to capture you or do you logically fight or try to escape form them?

Alf: Since Abe started spreading the word and teaching everyone what ’employment’ really means, they’ve started using more force—Gee, thanks Abe! Historically, when we weren’t so scattered and weak, they used more devious tactics, like you’ve seen in Abe’s Exoddus. Addiction leading to dependence on them for supply. But they still do this today. In the future we’ll find out more about the history between Mudokons and Glukkons.

BAR: why do civilizations of oddworld hate your kind so much, don’t you think you and your peeps should fight for your right?

Alf: Oh humsh, I dunno why they hate us. We never did anything bad! Maybe we’re just easy pickings and they’re all a pack of jerks. And it ain’t like we ain’t trying to fight back! We’re sieging their factories and trying to raise awareness on the FUD Network. But we don’t have weapons factories and private militaries on our side. Alls we gots is a chump in a loincloth.

Lewis: will abe ever be able to ride a scrab into open battle against the glukkons? elum is pretty cool, but c’mon, scrabs man.

Alf: On the one hand, you gotta be pretty reckless to think anybody could ride a Scrab. I mean, sure, I have actually seen it done. But the discipline it takes, the years of training, the countless near-death accidents… Abe’s barely got the patience to comb his ponytail, I don’t think he’ll ever give up the ease of an Elum. I say ease. I mean compared with Scrabs, which have historically been noted to treat him with far more murdersome aggression. On the other hand Scrabman is a cool name for a superhero!

Darren: If a human came to oddworld how would a mudokon react, would mudokonse kill a human on site? or would they be allies?

Alf: Hey, what kind of barbarians do you take us for? You’ve been buying into all that Glukkon propaganda, haven’t you! Next you’ll be calling us cannibals or accusing us of casting hexes on your withered crops. Truth is, we don’t actually kill anyone on sight if it’s not outright combat. In fact, why don’t you head on over to Alf’s right now? I’ve got a delicious pot of blabweed tea on the boil.

Lee: Hey Alf, how’s your popularity are you mad that you aren’t as popular as abe or munch?

Alf: Mad?? I’m absolutely steaming! Haha, only joking, that’s actually the steam coming from the kettles. I put them there ealier so it would look like steam was coming from my ears when I got to this question. Pretty good trick, eh? Who needs controlling your enemies’ minds or casting lightning bolts from your brain to have fun? We got all the magic and sparkle we need right here. Now get out, it’s the end of today’s session.

Before you slam my door, if you’ve got any more questions for Alf, please leave them in the comments below. Or you could send them in by using the hashtag #DearAlf on Facebook or Twitter. Either way, we’ll see you for more Dear Alf next week!