Dear Alf April 2013

Have you ever dreamed of it raining tea? Alf has. But he’s taking time out from his busy daydream schedule to answer some of your—yes,…

Have you ever dreamed of it raining tea? Alf has. But he’s taking time out from his busy daydream schedule to answer some of your—yes, your—questions. He’s really knowledgable and generous like that.

Emily: So, are you particularly good friends with Abe??

Alf: Emily, come on now! I’m Abe’s best bud in the whole world! I was there with him in RuptureFarms, I was there with him in the desert, I was there with him above the Big Well. We could never be separated!

And also, I’ve wondered are there any female Mudokons, or are they hard to come by? I’ve never seen any in the games and began to wonder. What do they look like??

SomeDude: Hi alf ive got 3 questions why are there no females inhabiting oddworld other than queens

Alf: Jeez, where did you kids go to school? You better brush up on your basic biology. Listen up: The female Mudokons are the queens, and you haven’t seen them yet. The male Mudokons are the drones, and you haven’t seen them yet either. The drones and the queens do all the breeding for the whole species, while most of us down in the trenches doing all the hard work are biologically sexless. The breeders are rare, and us workers outnumber them by hundreds or thousands. Think about how bees and ants and even some mammals go about things and realize your reproductive model ain’t the only one out there!

and have u ever seen a mudombie

Alf: I try to keep away from creepy old graveyards, but… I saw one once. I think. It was outta the corner of my eye. I didn’t stick about to double take! Nothing like a soulless lumbering husk of a Mud to remind you of your mortality.

Anja: Hi Alf. I wonder what mudokons eat every day. Can you tell me? And what’s your favourite food?

Alf: Mudokons eat what they can find, gather, harvest and hunt sustainably. Fruits, leaves, grains, meat, fish, and anything we can cook out of them all. We have a broad palette. That’s part of the reason we get made slaves more than any other natives: we can live on the processed rubbish and byproduct sweepings. My favourite dessert is genodda cake!

Darren: I noticed mudokons can climb surfaces like Geckos and frogs ( earthling creatures ) which is shown in Abe’s Exodus, how come this can’t be done in the actual game play?

Alf: Mudokons can climb some rough surfaces like wood or stone, but it makes our hands really dry and achey so we can only do it, say, once every few days. In hindsight we probably shouldn’t have used up that ability before the game had even begun, but that’s hardly the biggest regret I have after the whole Necrem ordeal.

jonah: Dear Alf Where Do Mudokons Go After Abe Rescues Them Through The Bird Portal?

Alf: They go to the Monsaic Sanctum to get all cleaned up and introduced to their new life. The guys there keep a supply of tea going (Alf’s Rehab brand, of course) for the newly free Muds that are in an advanced state of addiction. Tea solves everything. Except the cracks in my store cupboard. Tea ain’t done a thing to fix that, no matter how much I pour it on.

Connor: About the laughing gas in Exoddus… How come every other mudokon goes crazy while breathing the stuff, but abe is just normal?

Alf: Ummmmmmm, his stitches absorb all the gas before it enters his lungs. That’s right.

Turret: It is true that Abe is caring a cub Slog, and currently, is succeeding in taming him?

Alf: If Abe is even half as smart as he seems—and he ain’t exactly a genius to begin with—he won’t be doing that any time. Maybe if you got a Sloggy as soon as it was born or hatched, and you took care of it in the most loving and tender way, maybe it wouldn’t maul your face off. Do you want Abe to take that risk?

Why Abe don’t use Slingshot, like some Mudokons that we see in Monsaic Lines?

Alf: Where’s he going to carry all the rocks he’d need to fire? He can only fit nine in his back pocket at the best of times, stick a slingshot in there and he’s got room for only one or two. And it’s not like bags of rocks are around every corner in those big factories. He’d be carrying a tool he could only use once or twice, and quite frankly he never needed it anyway.

Abe can chant and possess an enemy when he’s crouched?

Alf: Yeah he figured out how to do that not long before he went looking for Munch. That’s why he managed to possess Lulu and outbid every other Inhabitant for that last can of Gabbiar, all while kneeling! Will his list of talents never end?

What’s happend if a Scrab and a Paramite meet? Who going to win, if have a fight?

Alf: Ah! The age old question! The Six Skillyan Moolah Question. The question to end all questions except, logically, itself. One single Paramite up against one single Scrab? The Scrab would win. No sweat. The question should be how many Paramites would it take to guarantee the Scrab’s defeat. Or maybe it’s an extra large Paramite, or an extra small Scrab, or both! What about a Fleech-sized Scrab fighting a Sea Rex-sized Paramite? Or you could throw in an extra Scrab, so the two Scrabs fight each other while the Paramites scratch away at them from relative safety. Or maybe anywhere near two Scrabs wouldn’t count as safety at all. Boy oh boy, sure hope I don’t develop a critter baiting habit!

Zach: Hey Alf, does Abe ever feel any remorse for killing glukkons or sligs? I mean when it comes to the glukkons Abe is basically killing completely unarmed creatures. I understand that he has had quite a troubled past with the glukkons and sligs, and I definitely agree that the big businesses on Mudos need to be shut down for the muds sake. But Abe just seems like too nice a guy for brutally ripping things to pieces when he unpossesses them. Perhaps he should try negotiating instead, and if that doesn’t work then he can go on to sabotage.

Alf: Look buddy, I’ll be the first to admit that Abe ain’t the sharpest splinter in the plank, but it don’t take a degree in Glukkonomy to see that these industrial creeps pack their negotiation chambers with gas and spikes, not tea and biscuits. If you wanna negotiate, you gotta have cards to play with. “Excuse me boss, could you shut down your factory, and in return we’ll not whine when you chop us up into confectionery” ain’t a good bargain.

Danski: Is Sekto a cross between a Glukkon and a Vykker or some other dastardly race of creatures? If so, will we see more Sektoians?

Alf: A cross between a Glukkon and a Vykker, yuck! That has to be one of the most horrible things I could image. But Sekto is something a hundred times worse. Sekto is an Oktigi. I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of them, they’re fiercely private and clandestine, yet they remain one of the richest and most powerful forces in corporate Mudos. Sekto is the tip of a ruthless iceberg.

Idiotjake: Hey Alf how you doing mate? anyway my question is if the glukkons had legs and weapons etc manufactured for sligs why have glukkons never taken the initiative and had a suit of armour that could protect them or even give them some kind of combat ability.

Alf: You ain’t musing like a Glukkon! Think about it! You’re running a business, making processed foods or yike parts or phatteries or whatever. Your success is your profit, your wealth, your status, and that’s how you dress: the finest tailored suits, the rarest jewelry, the widest shoulder pads anyone did ever see! You’re supposed to be hiring a personal army to stop threats getting anywhere near you. Wearing armour is like announcing failure, and that’s when your stocks plummet.

Lori: Hey alf, a few of my friends and I were wondering about the races of Oddworld. Can you tell me the average lifespan of Vykkers?

Alf: I sure can! Vykkers live for about 120 years. That’s about three times your average Mudokon! But who can say how much is the natural lifespan Odd gave them and how much is bonus years they’ve scraped together with drugs, transplants and gene-splicing?

Stupid-Questions.INC: Alf! I simply got one, no two questions for you. How did the Sligs manage to survive as a species before they were given legs by the Vykkers? And how did they use to spend their days without these legs? It gotta be quite hard to move around doing stuff without em…
If you really dont know the answer. Tell a joke. I’d love that. Tell two, and I will give you a cyberhug.

Alf: Sligs are pretty useless. They survived by keeping out of everyone’s way. They spent their days feeling sorry for themselves. Not a surprise they jumped at the chance to take out their frustrations on lowly Mudokon slaves as soon as it was offered to them. A couple of jokes, hmmm. What do you call a Slig without pants? Anything you like! How do you make a Slig fire? Give it a gun! Hahahahaha!

Connor: Another thing, are there any native sligs left? Like not working for the Glukkons?

Alf: Sligs are born in captivity and leased out at birth. They’re suited up slugs, they can’t escape to a life of anything but getting stepped on or possibly salted.

John: Hey Alf,I was wondering if you can tell me how big is Rupture Farms,SoulStorm Brewery,FeeCo Depot and Vykkers Labs.And by how big,I mean length and width and height.Can you tell me please?

Alf: I’d get my yardstick and trek the hundreds of miles to them and spend days taking measurement and doing trigonometry and working out their dimensions, but tragically they’re mostly all blowed up. So sad.

gizzybiscuits: Is Squeek’s symbiosis parasitic or more benificial to the host?

Alf: What’s that you say? You want me to host a party! I am so up for that! We can have cakes and dancing and play Hide & Squeek. Wait, did I already make that pun last month?

Sockbot: 1. What do Brain Slurgs look like? You’ve given contradictory descriptions of brain slurgs and I want the honest answer, no offense.

Alf: They’re about eight-foot across, roughly ocean-shaped with flaps of casual menus. Their skin is surrounded by a ceramic second skin, which has puddles of silk in it. They move by spinning their nostrils, but don’t let one get near your ear or it will crawl in!

2. Will Munch’s Exodus possibly be made/ in the works already?

Alf: It’s a possibility for one day but it’s not in the works already.

shawn: hey alf why is it that new and tasty is coming to xbox but munch and stranger,s wath is not?

Alf: Because New ‘n’ Tasty is a new game and isn’t restricted by the same rules that Munch’s Oddysee HD and Stranger’s Oddysee HD are. XBLA classes them as rereleases and imposes different rules.

Nicolas: Hi alf! Can you tell to Lorne and the Oddworld team that they can make a game where the story is before Abe’s Oddysee.
I think that is a good idea, and it will call Abe’s Origins, or Abe’s First Test, or Abe’s Legens…

Alf: That’s a wonderful idea! You can play as Abe, the happy-go-lucky slave who does nothing of consequence, learns nothing about the world of deception around him, and ends up in exactly the same place he started and has been all along. Hold the arrow to push the floor waxer at a steady pace along all the corridors! Press exciting buttons that dispense your daily meal! Sit and watch helplessly as you get beaten by meanie supervisors! Earn that coveted promotion from Floor Waxer, Second Class to Floor Waxer, First Class and become the uselessly-titled Employee of the Year. Abe’s Origins: the epic tale of what happened before anything interesting happened.

……Z……..: Hey Alf! when you want to come to the Earth Someday…. what is the first thing that you want to see??? ^_^

Alf: All the fans!

Guilherme: Ever thought about opening a tea place on our planet? It could give a boost of moolah.

Alf: It’s not about the Moolah! It’s about rescuing lost souls! I’d love to help chumps across as many planets as I can stretch my paws to, but tragically I hate commuting. So sad.

SomeDude: and lastly which galaxy does oddworld locate in?

Alf: Uh, the Oddromeda Galaxy. No wait, Sligittarius! Or maybe Mudellanic Cloud?

Sebastian: Is your tea from Mudokons or something else?

Alf: …my tea is most definately, absolutely, undeniably, categorically, superseismically NOT made from Mudokons. Sheesh!

That’s it from Alf for another month, but he’ll be back with another dose of answersome truthiness in a future column… that MAY be coming sooner than you’d expect, mwahahahaha! You might even have time to submit your very own questions to Alf, maybe in the form of a delightful email or splendid tweet, or why not swing by Alf’s Rehab & Tea yourself, available now on your local Facebook. And remember, above all else, STAY ODD!